The Small Tales Of Chester P. Wibbles

Chapter One: Professor P. And Gerbil Hyde

CHESTER SEARCHES FOR A NEW DIG

     Chester P. Wibbles; the European hamster, was sitting in his little, dumpy apartment sipping  imported tea and reading his favorite newspaper, The Daily Mix Gazette, when he stumbled upon a luxurious apartment advertisement. "Oh how delightful that would be, quite pleasant I would say."
     Chester immediately grabbed the scissors and cut out the address, made his way hastily out of his apartment into his Austin Healey Sprite and drove off.
     "Oh dear!" he said as he stepped out of his "Frog eye buggy". He rushed up to a fine looking gentleman, a Jird of a sort, "Are you by chance the manager?" asked Chester.  He was looking for an apartment of course.
     "Yes sir," the Jird replied in an odd voice.
     "Crickey boy, you must present yourself!" Chester yelled. Chester let out a deep breath and then said, "Please excuse me in my manner, eh. Show me my room will you?"
     "Umm, well this way sir," hesitated the Jird.
     "I hate when animals call me things of this sort," thought Chester as he quietly said "Sir,"under his breath. "Oh please, just call me Professor P.  It's British."
     Finally, we arrived at a rather nicely cut apartment when the manager explained what I was in for. "Sir… er, Professor P. this is your apartment it comes with a cozy personal lounge complete with Nest's newest 1,000 thread count sheets, a chrome plate sturdy food storage and kitchen with a 20 gallon glass water tank, a pleasant excrament tub and cleaning pond, the rotating saucer 5,000 good for chilling while having a drink or getting exercise, a luxury wool carpet, and last but not least your own personal butler, Handz.  So what do you think Professor P?" asked Jerry the manager.
     "It's just splendid! I can..." Chester began, "I say… sniff, sniff,  somebody puffed!" I can't believe my nose, what is that smell?" thought Chester.
     "Oh, that must be the next door neighbors, they're a bunch of teen gerbils, sorry about that I will have Handsa, the other butler take care of that." Jerry promised.

CHESTER MOVES IN

     I could not get a wink the next few days. Those gerbils are driving me knackered! I'm a stout, short, British private detective with a mildly cheeky attitude, I don't belong in this neighborhood! The house is rather astonishing but the neighbors… barmy! They're always chin wagging in the middle of the day while I'm trying to sleep! Just as I was about to talk to Jerry my manager about moving I heard the most startling sound, a monstrosity to my ears! I looked over to the gerbils cage and found the monster causing the monstrosity… it was amazing! It was huge! It was maddening! It was gerdzilla! The giant gerbil burst out of the apartment and rampaged towards town.
      I strode over to the wreck. Mr. Jerry my manager tried to persuade me out of it but I refused, "This is my job for crying out loud!" I stepped into the mess and had found a small vile,  "Bob's my Uncle! I've found it!" retorted Chester.
     "What is it?" Jerry cried.
     "The vile that held the serum that made the gerbil so monstrous," Chester P. exclaimed.
   
Stay Tuned For The Ongoing Adventure of Chester P. in Chapter Two….

The Art Of Begging 101

Begging 101: Extracting Food From Your Owner

By: Professor Odie 

Endowed Professor Odie 

   

Introduction

Hello, welcome to Begging Class. This is a world wide known art used to coax food from its original consumer to your chops. This amazing act is usually a dogs profession which is my case but in some scenarios a cat will perform this feat.

Step By Step Method

The first step is simple. You must sit beside the chair that holds the consumer of food. Then you make your eyes big and sad, act as if you haven't eaten in a month. Cock your head to one side, then the other, this step is optional but it does make the process faster. If all of the above seem to fail, lightly put your head on the consumers lap, this gets their attention and also appears to be very cute to them. When the unsuspecting consumer turns around to face you, perk your ears up while eyeing the food. By this time your hungry human will realize what you want. If they reject this entreaty you will move on to Plan B. For 'Plan B' you will wag your tail and make a small whining sound and/or make a gesture that indicates you are hungry but never lead the human or consumer to your dog bowl. This will just lead you back to square one. The objective is to trigger happiness in the owner so they reward you with a scrap from their 5 star meal. To trigger happiness you must be happy yourself.

Etiquette

DO NOT                                                               

-Lead the human to your food bowl
-Scratch or bite the human
-Make loud obnoxious noises
- Break wind
-Drool
-Eliminate waste at the foot of the table
-Growl or bark
-Pant

DO'S

-Wag your tail (lightly)
-Roll over (make sure to show your belly)
-Whine softly
-Nudge the humans hand
-Use puppy eyes
-Perk up your ears when food is visible
-Do tricks for free

Technique

As a Professor in my degree (also a Valadogtorian) I have some very useful techniques that are helpful to most students. I have even invented a famous move the 'Turn Around Touch The Ground' is a trick that most of the time rewards you with a treat. You simply put one paw on your owner, the other held up gracefully, then toss your head while turning around and then touch the ground. Then look back at your owner with your ears up this indicates you want something. Another way to get fine food is to do a half roll on the floor and show your belly  to the owners, this is a sign of submission and it also shows you want attention.


Testing

Begging 101 Testing relies on evidence. We require you take a video and bring it to next class along with the prize to  share with your Professor. Your grade will be based on whether you accomplished your task, the size of the piece, and the type of food.

The Professor At Her Work
Photo by: Chandra Brown

Narc At The Museum: Post # 8

POST # 8: RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Critic Explanation: As seen on the left, there is a clearly smart toddler in a woman's hands. If you look in the lower section of the painting, you will notice the toddler's legs are facing the opposite direction of its torso. Therefore, we have named it, 'The Twisted Sister'.

Below, we are seeing a woman holding, yet again, another small person but is it a toddler or a midget? The size ratio in this painting does not correlate with real life. A baby would be too small to stand in her hands but a toddler would not be the size of the creature in the painting. Therefore, we have named it, ' Sister Mary and little Midge'. Look at the cherub babies in the corner, they are the same size as our 'Midge'.

Narc At The Museum: Post # 7

POST # 7: ART?

Critic Explanation: If you can believe it, this is real art at a real museum. Really? Really?!? An unfinished floor and two solid, painted canvasses. Thats art? Need I say more?

Narc At The Museum: Post # 6

POST # 6: CHUNKY BA-DUNK-A-DUNK


Critic Explanation:  Two words, SMACK IT! I know it is a world wide rule that you cannot touch the art, BUTT she makes you want to smack it too. Enough said.

Narc At the Museum: Post # 5

 POST # 5: MAKE IT STOP!

Critic Explanation: Scritch, screech, scratch. Apparently this angel needs violin lessons because this poor hostage's face tells it all, it is as if he is saying "Please, make it stop, I'll do anything!" The last hostage, seen below under the book, foreshadows what is going to happen next.

Narc At The Museum: Post # 4

POST # 4: BUTT BLUNDERS

Critic Explanation: You can clearly see that a rag of some sort is stuck to the child's (seen front and center) behind. What is this? Perhaps this is ancient cosplay? Bathroom accident? Or maybe he has just ripped his pants. We may never know the real reason why the artist added this detail. Or maybe it was the artist's older brother wielding his sense of humor on his siblings masterpiece.

Narc At The Museum: Post # 3

POST #3: THE PIDDLING POSER

Critic Explanation: As you can see a nice painting but an unpleasant subject, there is nothing much to say but sour puss! Then you notice the odd piece laying centered on her forehead. What is that? It almost looks like she has mistaken the proper way to put a headband on her head or someone marked the painting with a permanent black sharpie pen. At least the artist tried to spruce her up a little with the glitter sparkles above her head or maybe that's just dandruff!


Art History:
This piece is called the "Portrait of A Widow' circa 1640 by Carlos Ceresa. The clasp that is on her forehead represents widowhood.

Narc At The Museum: Post # 2

POST # 2: THE RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG CAVE

Critic Explanation: I did a double take, is that bunny ears behind that man's head? Watch out you silly sod! Run away before the Killer Rabbit bites your head off. The look of terror was captured perfectly by this painter, now we know where Monty Python got his inspiration.

Narc At The Museum: Post #1

My mom and I went on a field trip for homeschool to the Blanton Museum of Art. She told me my assignment was to choose one or two pieces of art to write my opinion about and do a little background research on the artists. Well, we both went in with best intentions to be sophisticated art purviewers but this is what we came out with instead.

The following 'Narc At The Museum' posts come with a warning; all art history and individual artists renditions have NOT been taken into consideration and our quirky critique may offend those who have very little sense of humor. Proceed at own risk.

 POST #1: PLEASE DON'T FART

Critic Explanation: A wonderful master piece at first sight but (or should I say butt) as you may see, a small child's face in the center of the art (or should I say fart) depicting a stance of distress as his father in the lower right corner pleads with the angel not to let one blow on his beloved child.

The Ancient Geeks:Mindless Myths

     The Greeks in past time were not so bright. For instance, Icarus and Daedalus, what were they thinking? Making wings is artistic but attaching them to yourself with wax (something that is heavy) and trying to fly, thats stupid! Now if they used Leather rope that might have been a different story. Wait a minute… Trying to fly with fake wings is retarded anyways! So much for the wise Greeks.
     Another mindless myth is the tale of Theseus, he was a good guy, he defeated the monster of evil King Minos and came out of the beasts maze alive. After this amazing feat a wise man told him to change his ships' sails from black to white, for black was a sign of death. In his excitement of defeating the beast he completely forgot about the sails, that's when things got screwy. Theseus, although a beast slaying good guy, failed to use his listening skills which brought his demise.  Theseus' dad was waiting on a high rock for his son's return but when he saw the black sails he thought Theseus was dead, so overwhelmed with grief Theseus' dad fell from the rock. Sad story, we know. Dumb Theseus! Of course when Theseus found out his father was dead he became an old crotchety man himself. After a while the people of Athens got sick of all the crap he was throwing at them and had a private meeting with the king to be "Theseus's escort" and when he got the best chance to kill ol' Theseus…do it! One day when they were walking on a large cliff the king took advantage of the height and pushed Theseus over the cliff. You would think that the people of Athens would be happy about this, right? Well as soon as they heard this news they regretted killing Theseus because he did such good in his young days. Stupid, right? You know what they did next? They buried him and called him a god. What are their thoughts, these Athenians?
"Another one died."
"One more God? We already have fifty."
Gee all this unnecessary tragedy due to bad communication skills... or this tale was told by a drunk story teller!
     Here's another crazy story for you, the story of Oedipus. An oracle came and told the King that his wife would have a son that would kill his father and marry his mother, Stupid right? Well the queen had a baby boy, and they decided it would be a wonderful idea to kill him so this prophecy will not be fulfilled. Of course these people still had a heart (kind of) so… They let a servant kill the baby! Jerks… apparently the servant had half a heart too and tied the baby to a tree by it's ankles! The cries of the baby caught attention to a passing shepherd and when they came to find the child the shepherd took the baby to the King of Corinth. The King did not have any children so he gladly adopted the boy and named him Oedipus which means "swollen footed" due to the rope which was used to tie him to the tree. One day Oedipus went to a festival and an oracle told him "Oedipus beware! You are doomed to kill your father, marry your mother and bring destruction upon your native city!" Sure that the King of Corinth was his father he left. He came across a path and on it he found an old man in a chariot when this old man said "step aside chump, I the great and powerful master of Thebes is making way to my throne." Not used to being treated like a peasant for he was raised as a prince, Oedipus did not budge. At this act of stubbornness the old kook raised his staff for a royal blow and that is when Oedipus made the decision to raise his sword and kill the old man along with his servants that attacked as well. Oedipus not knowing this old man in the chariot was his real dad, Laius King of Thebes, had fulfilled the first part of the prophecy.  Somehow Oedipus knew there was a city near by, so he headed down a path and finally arrived. When he arrived at the city there was a frightened crowd of people talking of a Sphinx, a lion with a women's head and it ate every person that failed to answer her riddle. Oedipus strong and brave went to this sphinx and listened to her riddle, he guessed the right answer after some deep thought, The sphinx whom had now lost her powers tried to run away but Oedipus backed her onto a cliff and she fell onto a spiked rock. In return the people of Thebes gave him the the throne which meant he married his mother AKA the Queen of Thebes. Prophecy fulfilled.
     A story similar to this, though it does not take place in Greece, is still a greek myth. It is the story of Paris. Paris' mom had a dream that a brand lay in the cradle where the baby was, it set the cradle on fire and then the whole palace was on fire. Finally, an oracle told his mom that Paris would bring misfortune to his hometown, so she took her baby into the woods to die. These Idiot Greeks, they did this before and look how it turned out, lots of people died! What do you know, they didn't' learn their lesson. After Queen Idiotus left her child to die the poor baby cried so much a near-by hunter heard him. The hunters thought, "Darn them Greks. Keep on dumping them babies out n, these woods, screwin up my hunt." The hunter took in the baby and raised him as his own. Thats something different! The hunter gets the baby this time. Anyway, when Paris was older he was very talented so he went to Troy, his hometown, to join the athletic games (the Olympics in other words)  he easily won all the prizes and received the crown of wild olive leaves. When he went up to claim this crown everybody thought he looked like he could be from the royal family. Paris' sister Cassandra told the future, she said that Paris was the son of the king and queen and he was going to destroy Troy blah, blah, blah… The King and Queen didn't give a crap, they get rid of their kid in fear and now they aren't even afraid of the matter?!?
     These Idiot Greeks. Did they ever think about how dumb they made themselves look by writing down these 'myths' as moral learning tales, the moral I realized from these stories was be glad you are not from a Greek family. Oh the disfunction! It's almost as if these Greeks have a billion year old case of writers block. The writers conversation at the time was similar to this, "Billy, I'm outta myths!" "Umm, uh, just take some old myth we wrote n' tweak it a lil' bit, no one will suspect, right?"
     At the very least these mindless myths were entertaining but in my opinion a total waste of time. If you choose to read these tales, be warned of the idiosyncrasies found in Greek mythology. I will give them credit, I laughed a lot.

Icarus and Daedalus