The Art Of Begging 101

Begging 101: Extracting Food From Your Owner

By: Professor Odie 

Endowed Professor Odie 

   

Introduction

Hello, welcome to Begging Class. This is a world wide known art used to coax food from its original consumer to your chops. This amazing act is usually a dogs profession which is my case but in some scenarios a cat will perform this feat.

Step By Step Method

The first step is simple. You must sit beside the chair that holds the consumer of food. Then you make your eyes big and sad, act as if you haven't eaten in a month. Cock your head to one side, then the other, this step is optional but it does make the process faster. If all of the above seem to fail, lightly put your head on the consumers lap, this gets their attention and also appears to be very cute to them. When the unsuspecting consumer turns around to face you, perk your ears up while eyeing the food. By this time your hungry human will realize what you want. If they reject this entreaty you will move on to Plan B. For 'Plan B' you will wag your tail and make a small whining sound and/or make a gesture that indicates you are hungry but never lead the human or consumer to your dog bowl. This will just lead you back to square one. The objective is to trigger happiness in the owner so they reward you with a scrap from their 5 star meal. To trigger happiness you must be happy yourself.

Etiquette

DO NOT                                                               

-Lead the human to your food bowl
-Scratch or bite the human
-Make loud obnoxious noises
- Break wind
-Drool
-Eliminate waste at the foot of the table
-Growl or bark
-Pant

DO'S

-Wag your tail (lightly)
-Roll over (make sure to show your belly)
-Whine softly
-Nudge the humans hand
-Use puppy eyes
-Perk up your ears when food is visible
-Do tricks for free

Technique

As a Professor in my degree (also a Valadogtorian) I have some very useful techniques that are helpful to most students. I have even invented a famous move the 'Turn Around Touch The Ground' is a trick that most of the time rewards you with a treat. You simply put one paw on your owner, the other held up gracefully, then toss your head while turning around and then touch the ground. Then look back at your owner with your ears up this indicates you want something. Another way to get fine food is to do a half roll on the floor and show your belly  to the owners, this is a sign of submission and it also shows you want attention.


Testing

Begging 101 Testing relies on evidence. We require you take a video and bring it to next class along with the prize to  share with your Professor. Your grade will be based on whether you accomplished your task, the size of the piece, and the type of food.

The Professor At Her Work
Photo by: Chandra Brown

Narc At The Museum: Post # 8

POST # 8: RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Critic Explanation: As seen on the left, there is a clearly smart toddler in a woman's hands. If you look in the lower section of the painting, you will notice the toddler's legs are facing the opposite direction of its torso. Therefore, we have named it, 'The Twisted Sister'.

Below, we are seeing a woman holding, yet again, another small person but is it a toddler or a midget? The size ratio in this painting does not correlate with real life. A baby would be too small to stand in her hands but a toddler would not be the size of the creature in the painting. Therefore, we have named it, ' Sister Mary and little Midge'. Look at the cherub babies in the corner, they are the same size as our 'Midge'.

Narc At The Museum: Post # 7

POST # 7: ART?

Critic Explanation: If you can believe it, this is real art at a real museum. Really? Really?!? An unfinished floor and two solid, painted canvasses. Thats art? Need I say more?

Narc At The Museum: Post # 6

POST # 6: CHUNKY BA-DUNK-A-DUNK


Critic Explanation:  Two words, SMACK IT! I know it is a world wide rule that you cannot touch the art, BUTT she makes you want to smack it too. Enough said.

Narc At the Museum: Post # 5

 POST # 5: MAKE IT STOP!

Critic Explanation: Scritch, screech, scratch. Apparently this angel needs violin lessons because this poor hostage's face tells it all, it is as if he is saying "Please, make it stop, I'll do anything!" The last hostage, seen below under the book, foreshadows what is going to happen next.

Narc At The Museum: Post # 4

POST # 4: BUTT BLUNDERS

Critic Explanation: You can clearly see that a rag of some sort is stuck to the child's (seen front and center) behind. What is this? Perhaps this is ancient cosplay? Bathroom accident? Or maybe he has just ripped his pants. We may never know the real reason why the artist added this detail. Or maybe it was the artist's older brother wielding his sense of humor on his siblings masterpiece.

Narc At The Museum: Post # 3

POST #3: THE PIDDLING POSER

Critic Explanation: As you can see a nice painting but an unpleasant subject, there is nothing much to say but sour puss! Then you notice the odd piece laying centered on her forehead. What is that? It almost looks like she has mistaken the proper way to put a headband on her head or someone marked the painting with a permanent black sharpie pen. At least the artist tried to spruce her up a little with the glitter sparkles above her head or maybe that's just dandruff!


Art History:
This piece is called the "Portrait of A Widow' circa 1640 by Carlos Ceresa. The clasp that is on her forehead represents widowhood.